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Vol. 26, No. 9 ● September, 2008
Management . . . . . . . . . If your best salesperson leaves, how do you make sure you don’t lose your best customers, too? After all, in most cases the salesperson doesn’t create the product or service. It takes a whole company to satisfy customers, and it is up to the company’s leadership to make sure customers are aware of that. Most important is making employees throughout the company more visible to customers. We try to do this by working on esprit de corps, departmental cross-training, customer service training for all salaried employees, and breaking down department barriers. It’s more difficult with a commissioned sales force, but even then, there are things you can do to make sure customers know they are being served by a whole company. (Inc)
Belonging To “The” Exclusive Club . . . . . . . . A million dollars may sound like a fortune, but the club isn’t so exclusive any more. Some 10 million U.S. households have a net worth above $1 million, excluding home equity. Moreover, a survey by Fidelity found that only 8% of millionaires feel “extremely” or “very” rich, while 19% don’t feel rich at all. Indeed, while $1 million was a tidy sum 30 years ago, you need $3.6 million for the same buying power today. And half of all millionaires have a net worth of $2.5 million or less, according to research firm TNS. So what does it take to feel truly rich? The magic number is $23 million, according to Fidelity. (Smart Money)
Sick Leave . . . . . . . . . I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “crazy”, then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss might think I was “crazy” and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked “What in the name of good grief are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the boss asked her “And where do you think you’re going?” - - - - - - - - - - - - - - She said - - - - - - - - - “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!” (Case)
What Blood Type Are You . . . . . . . . 38% of Americans have a blood type “O positive”. 34% of Americans have a blood type of “A positive”. 9% of Americans have a blood type “B positive”. 3% of Americans have a blood type of “AB positive”. 7% of American’s have a blood type of “O negative”. 6% of Americans have a blood type of “A negative”. 2% of Americans have a blood type of “B negative”. 1% of Americans have a blood type of “AB negative”. (Kosmix RightHealth)
And Then The Fight Started . . . . . When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station . . . and then the fight started. (LaFree)
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ’s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then,
on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took
the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug,
and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of
humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must
be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point,
as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife
drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the
procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room
full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space
and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so
you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was
music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I
said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down
at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent
when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke. (Lopatin)
Computing . . . . . . . We know you’re sick of hearing about it. It’s like exercising. Or flossing. You know you should do it, but you put it off. Yes, I’m talking about backing up your important documents, digital photos, and music collection. A recent poll found that 35% of consumers fail to make backup copies, even though 50% have lost important data in the past. Many people bail because they think it’s cumbersome or difficult. It’s not. You can buy an external hard drive for a hundred bucks and plug it into a USB port. You can download a free backup program (like Karen’s Replicator) and tell it what to copy. It’s that easy.
(PC Magazine)
Can I Use Regular Instead of Premium? . . . . . . . . . With gasoline prices hitting record highs almost daily, you might be wondering if you can get away with filling up your expensive car with regular instead of the expensive premium gas your manufacturer recommends. The answer: Regular’s fine in most cases, but it’s best to check your owners manual. There are three basic provisions for gasoline usage in owner’s manuals: when only regular gas is "required," when premium is "recommended," and when premium gas is "required." Only in the third instance will deviating from the manufacturer’s requirements potentially harm your car, said David Champion, director of automobile testing at Consumer Reports. Using premium gas in a car that only requires regular won’t help performance. As for cars for which premium gas in recommended, but not required - such as the V6 Nissan Maxima, the Toyota Camry V6 and Nissan Murano - using a higher-grade gas like premium will give you better engine performance, but not significantly better mileage Champion said. But if premium gas is required, those cars are designed to run only on premium and could possibly be damaged if you use regular over a prolonged period, Champion said. Cars that require premium gas are typically made by luxury brands like BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, VW and Audi, and some Acuras are also on that list, he said.
(MSNBC)
What Women Really Want . . . . . If you guessed "true love," you don’t know jack (or jane). True.com, a dating website, recently asked some 2,000 of its users what couples should spend more time discussing. Women chose money more than any other topic, placing it well ahead of sex, marriage or parenting. Men chose - no shocker here - sex. Maybe women are just better tuned in to what makes a relationship last. "Hot sex isn’t what keeps people together," says Thomas Lante, a psychology professor at Santa Clara University. "But not being on the same page about finances can be fatal." Percentage who think couples should talk more about money - Men - 21%, Women - 33%. Percentage who think couples should talk more about sex: Men - 29%, Women - 15%.
(Money Magazine)
Health and Fitness . . . . . . . Health news from recent studies:
Eating a soup appetizer will cut your calorie intake by 20%
Smoking doubles the number of wrinkles on your body.
Gauge your ankle sprain risk by closing your eyes, standing on one leg and raising the other knee to hip level. Failing to balance for 10 seconds means you are 2 ½ times more likely to sprain.
Cutting out carbs helps relieve heartburn; so does losing weight.
Daytime sleepiness is an often overlooked sign of diabetes or depression.
You’ll eat 71% more food watching TV than if you don’t watch.
Women’s Ass Size Study . . . . . . . There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. The remaining 85% say they don’t care; they love him, he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Sincerely,
Edward C. Levy
President